"slower than a turtle snorting Valium in a freezer"

Are there days when, off the cuff, you come up with a new aphorism or maxim?

Of course, "a stitch in time saves nine" can't hold a candle to "slower than a turtle snorting Valium in a freezer" in terms of incoherence. I mean, we know what a turtle is - a slow moving animal with a heavy shell to ensure it remains slow. We know what Valium does - it's a drug that relaxes anxious or other fast moving people. We know what freezers are and do - it is a man-made localized containment climate apparatus, as we all can't have Alaska in our back yards. Apart from keeping food edible, anyone happening to be in a frozen environment, naturally occurring or synthetic, is going to slow down.

The point is, the noun I'd be describing with that phrase is really, really, appallingly, really very slow. Just like that description.

Now, to compare: "A stitch in time saves nine":

We know what a stitch is - the position that a piece of thread is in, in order to keep a torn item (fabric, skin, et cetera) intact.

Most of us knows what time is - a perceived abstraction rather measuring a concept than a tangible item. You can't reach out and cuddle with time. Well, you can do that with a stopwatch, but cuddling plastic is pretty goofy, and a watch only shows a representation of a relative measurement OF time.

Nine is a number; often used as a figure of quantity, part of a lewd position many adults seem to like to engage in, or a measurement.

Now unless the coiner of the term "A stitch in time saves nine" was a famous science fiction writer of the twentieth century, I just can't fathom how sewing up a rip in time saves nine of, well, anything! Of course, if we go back to that risque definition, maybe "time" was the Latin word for "Levis" and the coiner of the term was in an orgy, shame on him?